You might ask yourself why is it so hard to heal from narcissistic abuse. We all want to feel connected to others especially to those who are close to us. When someone that we love hurts us the pain can be deeper and more long-lasting. The decision to walk away from a family member or partner and to change the way we interact with them can be very costly and difficult want to make. Usually, in the early stages of being in a relationship with a narcissist, you will be showered with affection and attention which is called love bombing. After the love bombing the narcissist will move on to the next stage which is devaluing. By this point, the narcissist has studied your triggers. He will start to use them against you and to his advantage. In narcissistic relationships, it is difficult to realize the extent of the manipulation that is going on because they present themselves as good and virtuous individuals who have the best intentions for you. Overtime, you will start to see the discrepancy between who they really are and how they present themselves to you.
Here at emergent psychotherapy, we specialize in recovery from narcissistic abuse. Bella Pahlevan, registered psychotherapist explains signs of healing from narcissistic abuse.
1- Acknowledge that it happened
Narcissistic abuse can be difficult to detect because it can be very subtle. A narcissist might not use any kind of physical force against you and they might present themselves as perfect and loving individuals to the outside world. They might be very charismatic and successful. They also tend to blame others and project their own shortcomings onto the outside world instead of taking accountability. All of this makes it very difficult to recognize that what has happened is a form of abuse and emotional manipulation. The first step to recovery is recognizing that what happened is narcissistic abuse. Once you identify and label it you can start to make sense of your experiences.
2-Detaching yourself from the narcissist
You might feel that you are ready to end your relationship with a narcissist. Detachment might come in the form of you emotionally distancing yourself from the narcissist in your life. Realizing that no matter how much you try to defend yourself or to explain your self it’s not going to make a difference. You might have tried to give him many chances in the past to redeem himself but you realize at this point that no matter how many chances you give them if they are not willing to recognize that they need to change and truly commit to that it’s not going to make a difference.
3-Setting boundaries
Narcissists have difficulty establishing healthy boundaries with others. A sign of narcissistic behavior is that they will constantly try to push your boundaries in an attempt to make you feel powerless. Narcissists can be very convincing and appear to be overconfident. They try to target your insecurities and make you feel then you don’t know what’s best for you so it can be very challenging to be assertive and to stand your ground when you’re around them.
When you’re in the process of healing you realize that in order to protect yourself you need to set boundaries with a narcissist. If you have family members that have narcissistic traits you might find yourself having to set firm boundaries with them to be able to distance yourself from toxic family dynamics and their manipulation tactics.
4-Trust yourself
Narcissists use gaslighting as a way to make you doubt yourself. So, it is very important to be able to connect to your intuition and trust yourself to make decisions for yourself. When an individual has been in a long-term relationship with a narcissistic partner they might develop a dependency on the narcissist to make decisions for the. Narcissists can attack your trust in yourself in very subtle ways. They might use sentence like “you are not remembering things correctly” or “what is wrong with you? you’re going crazy”. In your journey towards healing, you start to realize that when you’re doubting your instincts, it’s due to the false narrative the narcissist has tried to create to justify their actions.
5-Expanding your support system
Narcissists my trying to isolate you in an attempt to gain power over you. They know that if you have other people around you that love you and care about you they might not be able to influence you as much as they do. And once a narcissist becomes the only source of social support it is even more difficult to think about ending a relationship with them. It is integral to realize that you need to surround yourself with people who love you and support you in your journey of growth.
6-Self- care
If you have been involved in an abusive relationship you might have learned that you need to sacrifice and disregard yourself and your needs in order to maintain the relationship. Enduring emotional abuse from an aperson with narsisstic traits can be highly stressful and individuals often forget that they need to value themselves and to practice self-care. When you’re recovering from narcissistic abuse it is integral to exercise self-care period taking care of yourself can be helpful in many ways.
Self-care means that you will do things for yourself that will help you to meet you’re emotional, psychological and physical needs. Here is some examples:
- Getting enough sleep
- Eating a healthy diet
- Learning ways to self soothe
- Physical activity in your daily routine
- Practicing mindfulness
- Learning relaxation techniques
- Journaling or using creative outlets to express your emotions
- connecting with your loved ones
- Spending time on your hobbies
7-Seeking help from mental health professionals
Therapists can use different techniques and modalities to help you. It is important to know that you don’t have to be alone in recovering from the negative impacts of narcissistic abuse. In therapy, your therapist can help you identify why you remained in an abusive relationship. Therapy can also help you in building coping skills to assist you to navigate the narcissistic relationship. If you have experienced any form of trauma in your relationship, therapy can be helpful in processing the effects of that trauma and working on healthy ways to regulate your emotions.
The bottom line
Remember that you deserve to be in a healthy relationship and be surrounded by people who love you and treat you with integrity. If you have recently gotten out of an abusive or toxic relationship, there is always hope and that recovery is not far away. Realizing signs of narcissistic abuse and recognizing that you were not at fault for everything that has happened can motivate you to work towards healing.
